A Scholarly Essay About Shit, Postmodern Civil War, Old Lawn Signs, and More Shit

The following article was written during the week following Election Day. Not only containing a lot of shitty references, some of this material (well, about one sentence) was literally written from the commode.

Part I: The Viscosity of Shit

Apparently, this nation is being overthrown by Nazi Communists, and these extreme leftists are cheating their way to get our beloved Savior and King of the Oval Office, President Trump himself, out of the White House, the presidential golf course, and all those other nifty presidential things he has gotten to do. So, what’s next? Are Trumpies going away? Are they going to give up fighting? As insane as all this sounds with all this rhetoric that seems like it’s right out of 1949, what’s also insane is the denial I see among the Democrats about what these dear people with the Red Hats are all about. Another insane thing is a guy like me bragging about my claims of understanding these folks. I actually don’t understand them fully because I am always surprised when I learn new things about how powerful and diverse Trump Supporters really are. They are epic. These are EMPOWERED people, and they are going to have to serve this nation under an administration that they could very well justify doing all kinds of spiffy things in order to feel like they are protecting themselves from some kind of Hitler/Antichrist/Whatever guy.

Four years ago, I really didn’t want to be around the U. S. of A., and was even looking into relocating overseas. As hard as things have been for me these last four years, I really can’t blame much of it on this current administration. Now I’m getting the feeling that I don’t know if I can function in a society where I simply can not side with any of these factions, especially the Blue and the Red (which is basically the only two categories that everyone wants to place everyone else in, no matter how moderate or nonconformist they are). 

I don’t even consider myself a Moderate. My views are mostly liberal. I just don’t think that Democrats are going to do very much more of a good job than Mr. T and his gang have been working on these four years. Liberals like to throw money and education at just about everything hoping it will somehow jump to life and fly. Just look at Native Reservations. Snore. I’d imagine that this election will be interpreted as some kind of act of war against the Traditional America. We have been taking (red/blue) turns since I’ve been alive and four years doesn’t feel very fair to them – on top of all the commie stuff, the Rebel Flag stuff, birds in windmills, hyper-covid-conscious stuff, and whatever else they stand for; check this out: these people were pissed already when Trump won, just imagine how much more pissed they are going to be when he loses?

Check (also) this out: they’ve got more beer, more bibles, and way more firearms than we do. Like I’ve been saying for years: don’t fuck with these people. Heck, they’re our neighbors. Yeah, they think we keep declaring war on them. Sometimes it’s as simple as unapologetically enabling all the baby-killing we do to get some of these dear people to freak out. After all, us progressives have been really easy to freak out: it’s often as simple as seeing one of these lovely little Presidential Tweets. It sounds like they’re declaring war. It can even sound like Bernie himself is waging war on the Right if he’s taken out of context and put in a fancy looking meme that was done by some media student at Oral Roberts University and when his grandma posted it, somehow it becomes the truth when millions of other grandmas share it. (I remember this in Kindergarten in the context of a fistfight: “he started it”, “no, he started it”, “no, he started it”, “no, he started it…”)

If a Tree Hugger like me can’t stand Joe Biden, imagine how these Red Voter people feel? I think Joe behaves as if he’s got a hand up his neck. Trumpies think he’s a puppet. Kinda similar. Anyway, I know the Bidens very well. When I was a dashing young man, I was hired to be their House Boy. It was her idea. Anyway, I got paid big bonuses to make his wife happy and he never figured it out. Then, I got even more lucky! Joe asked to start hiring me for regular personal favors as well. It didn’t matter if I actually did any chores at all. I gotta lotta cheddar. The point I am trying to make (whether that story is true or not – if I’m going to be full of shit, at least I try to make it obvious) is that these people represent the liberal elite. Not knowing much about the Bidens I can say that it’s not them we really have to be concerned about. It’s the folks that are backing them, supporting them, and pulling their strings (although I don’t think a marionette is an applicable metaphor here, hence the earlier reference of the hand up the neck, like a scene in that disgusting movie that came out when I was a teenager that I think it was about Killer Clowns From Outer Space or something to that effect).

These Amazing Red Americans are not only empowered, they are hyper MOTIVATED. In fact, I’m currently in a Blue voter region of Texas where Trumpies literally parade around on a weekly basis. Biden supporters were too busy glued to Elmo (another puppet of the Left Wing Agenda, and quite literally in fact) and other colorful lifeforms on Public Broadcasting). Although those of us smarty-pants people on the Left side of politics seem to be, well, loud; we are quite complacent and vulnerable in addition. We’re like the nerdy kid being bullied by the big rich kid and most kids get weaker as a result of bullying as we know. This is going to really, really suck, and I hope I’m not around when the shit hits the fan; although I’d imagine a lot of us think it already has happened.

An In-Home Experiment You Can Try: Shit Hitting the Fan

I tried this recently: I had this huge old fashioned table-top fan from the 1940’s with the ginormous metallic blades and no protection around it. Those were the kinds of fans you’d see in movies featuring a cheap private investigator – he’d have a sinister fan like this in his messy office that you’d lose a finger or too if you got too close to it. If you wanna literally experiment with getting shit to literally hit a fan, I implore you to try this procedure. You’ll never forget it. It’s one of those things that you hear about but never actually try it to see what it’s really like to have real shit hitting a real fan. Here’s my instructions, please follow carefully: get the most powerful fan you can find that does not use plastic blades (it’s just way too ineffective, even with hard plastic). Most importantly, remove the protective screen from the front as well as the back of the fan. Then, get some shit. Preferably not cat or dog shit because it’s typically too dry for this to be at all effective. Turn fan on highest setting and aim it to where it can blow as much air in as much of the room as possible (for instance, sit behind a desk in the corner, or something like that). You may want to perform a test with some fairly firm pudding. (I tried rice pudding first before I got the best angle for the fan because tilting the fan up a bit toward the ceiling is also a good idea for better coverage.) Finally, apply the shit. Drop shit not directly on top of the blades but slightly behind so the fast moving air can project the shit better, otherwise the shit will just hit your face, and that’s not the point we’re trying to make here with this particular experiment.

Although this might be hard to believe, the Shit Creek experiment is almost impossible to find that much shit for it to work the way it’s described: a creek made up of 100% shit. The best way to conduct this experiment is to find a sewage drainage thing (containing shit) that’s deep enough for a kayak (remember, this is not referring to a rowboat or a multiple person canoe, or something like that: this is a single-paddle thing going on, so it’s probably a kayak). Also, a lot of these sewers can be really shallow at times, so a kayak is a way smarter thing to do when experimenting with being stuck up Shit Creek. All you have to do is just toss your paddle aside and float downstream with all that shit, however you must understand that this particular experiment really can not be done with a creek that’s made up with 100% shit, unless you can find that much shit (in addition to finding all that shit without all that viscosity). I am up for suggestions on where we can find this much shit.

Anyway, I can’t remember what I was talking about… Oh yeah, politics. I grew up under Bush and Reagan, and things like the SDI (Star Wars) and stuff like that – I thought that was surreal enough, but things are way more weird these days. The Real Frank Zappa Book ends with references to chemical and even biological warfare, in addition to Zappa’s references in interviews on national television about how the Republican Party is trying to establish some kind of Fascist Theocracy in the United States. Funny thing to say, for a guy who identified as a conservative, stayed home a lot, raised four kids (well, two actually, if you’re old enough and know everything) while staying away from drugs while fighting conservatives. So I guess I don’t feel so bad trolling against my own fellow Democrats. Heck, we not only still act like we are in Pepperland, we act way too much like Blue Meanies and we need to act more like we have a magical Yellow Submarine.

Anyway, what was I talking about? The Beatles? Hmmmm… Oh yeah, Shit Creek. So, here’s the good news about this experiment (if you do find a way to try it). Remember, this whole thing has to do with being UP Shit Creek, not DOWN it. That’s the good news! You just stay afloat in that little boat until you hit something that is non-shitty enough for you to get out of your kayak and on to solid ground. Thank God people don’t seem to be talking about being “down” Shit Creek (and thus unable to paddle UP Shit Creek). Now, that’s just hopeless. So, yeah, there is hope. Somewhere beyond all of this shit.

Part II: Untitled

Trump is influencing and controlling the Left Wing in ways where he uses negative attention to gain power. It’s as if he wants us to fight just as he wants his followers to fight. We are vulnerable because we are becoming more and more easy to freak out about certain causes and issues. Funny that the more I find sanity as a guy not only living with mental illness, but being technically “disabled”; I’m watching my country go insane on both sides of the political chasm.

The American Right Wing is vulnerable partly because of the timing (the last few generations or so). The Left has influenced the media more than we have probably in American History, and eight years under a guy who’s middle name was Hussain was also enough to freak out most Middle America Cornfed Redneck Traditionalists. Hyper intellectual people can be vulnerable if they are bombarded with factoids that push a certain progressive viewpoint that might lead to hysteria; however the American Right is more prone to a Faith-Centered ideology which can make them even more vulnerable for the simple reason that it can really fuck with people’s priorities. In particular, putting belief before logic, and faith being more important than facts – this is a recipe for a mindset that will most likely be infested with something that smarty people like to call FALSE PATTERN RECOGNITION. Even early humans were wired for making predictions. As an evolutionary perk, we liked to be prepared for danger and opportunities to survive better if we know what’s probably going to happen in the future. Smart sciencey people also like to call this “faith”, and there’s essentially nothing really wrong with that in itself, unless these are perceived threats and delusions. Reacting to perceived threats is a trait of the mentally ill. In fact, panic attacks are a good example of False Pattern Recognition operating not only in the brain, but the body itself going out of control for really no apparent reason. To make things worse, it’s hard to recover from a panic attack when the perceived threat isn’t gone because the fact is the threat wasn’t even there in the first place and something that isn’t there not only isn’t there to begin with, it can’t go away because something that’s not there can’t go away. It’s like asking your flakey cousin to leave the house when he’s not even there to begin with.

Therefore, we are suffering from a Crowdsourced Panic Attack, and most of the threats were not even there; so how do we know if we’ve even solved a particular problem when there was no significant problem to begin with? Trump ain’t the problem. He just happens to be the strongest figure in a movement that is so desperate to reclaim the Old America, they’ll follow a cranky old fellow that drinks too much Diet Coke. Remove Trump, problem solved? We’ll see about that. Another “problem” is us left-wing-commies who demand stoooopid things like free healthcare, which apparently threatens liberty. Snore.

I thought it would be funny to propose the possibility of some actual problems. Not only that, shit that’s problematic on both sides of our divided nation. First off, obviously: division. Biden talks “unity” while his followers are name calling, mocking, and basically being sore winners. (Am I the only Biden Voter who apologizes to Trump Voters about how badly we’ve treated them? Please, someone, help me out.) Another puny-tiny-insignificant problem is a little something I am affectionately calling the “Further Enabling of the American Caste System” (FEACS). Racism (not necessarily things that “sound” racist) traps various people in situations where they have less choices, rights, and privileges. In my experience, as a disabled guy trying to rely on industries that are overwhelmingly ruled by the Liberal Elite while fighting to create a life for myself that’s worth living, I see the same thing happening. Being excluded from the workforce in the context of my skills and vocational experience somehow isn’t a civil rights issue. A lot of this has to do with the fairy tails that the media paints about disabled people being “included” in addition to all the human mascots, token people-of-color, token people-of-whatever, and other so called “underprivileged” Americans who are occasionally (and temporarily) hoisted up the mass media flagpole of micro-celebrities to get the world to be convinced that these threats against democracy are dealt with.

Social Justice loves to wash their hands and say, “problem solved”. Abolish slavery? Poof! Problem solved. Oops, blacks can’t vote? Poof! Problem solved. Oops, segregation? Poof! Problem solved… Yeah, a few generations ago, if cops witnessed me being publicly symptomatic I would have been at risk for being put in metal restraints, committed to a mental institution, forced to undergo lobotomies and shock therapy, and other boons. Problem solved? (Laugh out loud.)

I am literally writing this from the shitter currently after dreaming that I was cleaning up shit in a dream. Even my subconscious mind is full of shit. It’s everywhere. I also feel like taking the Holy Bible totally out of context and say, “rejoice not”. My Dearest Whoopi, I’m still a fan of yours. I have loved you since your HBO days. I also would like to give you a few useless ideas: please don’t celebrate yet, because although the battle might be won, your war is not. Even more useless, but I thought since I have your attention Ms. Goldberg I’ll continue blabbing: name-calling was tacky before the election, however at this point, more name-calling ain’t gonna make anything better; in fact we very well could be re-antagonizing a population that makes up nearly fifty percent of this nation, plus overseas support, in addition to the fact that Trumpies are super-empowered, super-motivated, super-pissed, and in my professional opinion, they are also super-sexy. Listen to my beloved Guinan. As you know, she’s over five hundred years old, has a sweet hat collection, and makes a mean Romulan Ale: “What Would Guinan Do?”

As for me, on a personal note, I’m not dancing for joy, in fact quite the opposite. I’m writing this because there’s not a lot I can do this Monday morning because of such a bad stomach ache I nearly lost my breakfast to my sacred shitter in my travel trailer. Instead, I went back to bed, gave the cat a belly rub, took a little CBD and some coconut water, won a round of Spider Solitaire and a round of Free Cell, put on some Ella Fitzgerald, and found something sorta productive to do, hence, finishing this endless political rant. Do I love Trumpies? Indeed. Do I stand up to them when they bully me, harass me, and abuse their power? Sadly, yes; and as a result I am unfortunately suffering the effects of a triggered-trauma-survivor-sickness after an unnecessary confrontation with a very angry group of powerful/privileged hyper-conservatives. (Standing up to passive-aggressive leftwing bullies is actually more of a challenge because they’re so damn polite and smell like patchouli oil.)

I have a pretty good threefold definition of a Nazi: someone who says, “I’m a Nazi”, who wears swastikas, and adores Adolf. I thought I’d say that delightful word, because every other time I hear the word “Nazi”, it’s in the context of referring to the left-wing or the right-wing. We also call each other fascists, fake, and misinformed; among other stylish insults. Meanwhile, the rest of the world seems to be agreeing more and more that we are looking more and more and acting more and more like a Third World Nation. Will we still be named the “UNITED States of America”? Prolly. I personally prefer the name, “The Congo”.

I have a young Turkish Facebook friend who I was worried about during their latest coup. He reassured me that he’s used to that sort of thing. (Golly.) Americans aren’t prepared for these kinds of things in the same way we weren’t prepared to handle a pandemic or a president who uses cult-leader tactics. Imagine a presidential memo (or a tweet, rather) addressing all law enforcement and (especially) all Americans serving in the military, that is asking everyone to take up arms, side with him or Joe, in addition to NRA members, chubby old mustached Pinkerton guards and the like – spoiling everyone’s New Year’s Day hangovers in 2021 while clinging to the Oval Office with Kryptonite bicycle locks? Stuff like that wouldn’t happen when I was a kid, however these days, considering the science-fiction-comedy-drama-soap-opera-horror flick we call the Trump Administration, just about anything is possible.

Just forget everything I have written about politics, I have no credentials. Most of what I know is what I hear from all kinds of stupid people (on both sides) I listen to while traveling half of this nation during a pandemic and a presidential election. Twenty states in eight months, in fact. [I have (so far) not been asked what this is like.] But what I know about for sure, is fecal matter: dealing with it daily, smelling it, and keeping a lot of it in my sewage tank beneath my little mobile bungalow I call “home”. As for the upcoming Trumpster’s Revenge, I just can’t seem to predict exactly what it’s going to look like, BUTT I will say, that things are going to be very, very shitty; and there’s a huge fan awaiting its eminent release from the Great Asshole of Our Lovely Society (GAOLS). I’m feeling somewhat better now and my tummy has calmed down enough for me to get to my afternoon duties which includes emptying my black water tank, showering, and maybe trying to figure out the next place to park my RV.

Never mind,

Fake Zappa

Pharr, Texas, America

November 9th, 2020

P. S.

Sorry for saying “prolly”, it’s a lazy word.