The Neuroscience of Gay Dating Apps

An insightful and in-depth lesson in sex, suicide, [and Sand People] and stupidity (with footnotes!)

By Fake Zappa

There’s been a lot of buzz about “hookup” apps and websites over the years and the addictive nature of such practices; and I’d like to share some of my secrets I’ve learned about brain science and mental health from a gay perspective. As a peer who lives with debilitating mental and emotional disorders, it has been essential that I remain mindful of anything that might be undermining my health and draining my time and energy. Since I rarely have a traditional work schedule, it can be easy for people like me to get distracted by forms of media that can be potentially time consuming. As for other folks who have supervised employment, or a committed relationship, these apps and sites can have more apparent and immediate negative consequences.

There are other elements besides time-wasting that I have found to be more detrimental when it comes to the overuse of dating apps and websites. Some prefer to call them “hookup” apps, although many of us have found that we have happened to have developed lasting and meaningful friendships and intimate relationships as a result of these tools, although these stories are quite rare. I am reminded of these two men I met a while back. They both met each other at a gay cruising spot in Hawaii in the 1960’s and had been in love since then. Finding true love isn’t limited to meeting the love of your life at the dog park, the ice skating rink, or Starbucks (in Seattle, in December, with all the romantic holiday decor). It’s funny how some people meet, and GPS enabled dating stuff can be useful for finding new friends near you. I also like to talk about how many people meet on sex-related apps and sites for entirely non-sexual reasons and they enjoy years of hanging out and having non-sex.

When I was younger and before most people were online, it was mostly phone dating. It’s great to get a feel for someone’s vibe while talking, as opposed to long texting chats. My first partner was just ugly enough (and not photogenic) to where I probably wouldn’t have wanted to contact him based on a picture of his face. But his voice was mesmerizing. I got used to his face because I not only loved him and loved his sexy voice, I made him grow a big beard which he hated and it made him look much better in my opinion. My original intention with my first partner was to just have some sexual contact, and go away. He also wasn’t looking for a relationship, and had never really considered having a man live with him, but it happened, and I have a creepy-phone-sex-chat-line thing to thank for the years we enjoyed together (minus the bad times, abuse, etc…).

Risky Business

Since I mostly chat with men, and this issue seems to be way more of a guy problem, I’d guess that taking risks are a big issue when it comes to cruising for sex. I’m also a dude and fairly proficient in guy stuff (with the exception of football and leaf blowers). It’s no surprise that men enjoy taking risks, even in our old age. It caters to our warrior/hunter nature and can give us an illusion of youth, vigor, and power. When it comes to man-for-man type situations, especially in rural areas around the United States, I’ve noticed that most of the “cautious” gestures are along the lines of “not being caught”, instead of “not being mugged”. For guys on the “down-low” that’s understandable, however avoiding those kinds of risks can actually make our discreet friends vulnerable to greater risks. As a single, disabled gay man who often stays in secluded areas, it’s a priority for me to avoid unnecessary risks. These risks aren’t just protecting me from abusers and scammers, there are still hate crimes going on, although more rare in recent decades.

For me, safety has nothing to do with being caught. Anyone who catches me in bed with a man would amuse me, and would probably have no negative repercussions in my life or career. In fact, it might even help my reputation in comedy. For others, I’m not interested in “outing” anyone (unless for some reason they are endangering anyone vulnerable, like underage boys). Even in western nations, there are still a lot of situations where sexual minorities would suffer too many hardships if they came out, and I want to respect that. Over a decade ago I was partnered to a man who lived a few blocks from me. My landlord was very well known in the small town and in the church community and he worked downstairs. He’d accuse me of stealing cable TV from a satellite dish and stupid things like that. One time he tried to confront me about the fact that he figured out what kinds of fun we were having in my apartment by saying something like, “I know what you and him are up to!” I replied with a sinister smile and said something like, “you mean my partner?” He expected me to beg him to keep it a secret to gain some leverage over me, or maybe something else was on his mind.

I Might Miss Something!

One of the ways the brain tries to trick men into spending too much energy on these apps is to check messages obsessively, and use features like “push” notifications. There have been times that I use an old phone or tablet that I occasionally get on wifi that has various dating apps. This is a good tool for guys who need to take a break from dating apps on a regular basis and are looking for a way to literally put them aside for several hours or several days at a time. (More tricks of the trade in this article later.) There have been times where there seemed to be a mutual interest with someone yet we kept missing each other because neither of us check messages often. This is rare, and can enable a lot of “magical thinking” type issues; for instance: what if I miss destiny, and he’s “the one”? At the same time, if I miss someone because he or I (or both of us) happen to be traveling and we end up being hundreds of miles away before we check our messages and thus don’t get to meet, there’s always another time to meet. This is rare, and typically when I do reconnect with one of these “missed connections”, I am often relieved to discover that he was indeed a creep. I have missed a lot of opportunities to shag a trucker because I am not active enough on these apps. I have missed a lot of opportunities to shag a disease-carrying smelly trucker asshole as well, and that I can be grateful for. It goes without saying that most men on these apps are either not single or they are not, for lack of a better term, “relationship material”.

Gambling

When it comes to sex, risk taking, and engaging in a “hunt” (that can have unpredictable outcomes) hookup apps can be very alluring for a lot of men. There’s a brain reaction when it comes to taking financial risks that can literally make people addicted to their own neurochemistry that’s triggered by certain behaviors. This leads to people losing their will to make their own sound decisions. I go more into detail later in this article about the brain chemistry related to “pursuit and reward” situations; especially when the odds get lesser, sometimes there’s more pleasure when it comes to our neurological responses. I’m currently on vacation staying just a few minutes walking distance from the Atlantic Coast. In fact, I can hear the surf out of my window right now. I didn’t want to do any work related projects while I am here, and no professional type correspondence or social media in addition. At the same time, I do like to occasionally get on my dating apps and stuff, just in case there might be someone with mutual interests whether sexual or not.

With my vacation being about avoiding work, and the current temperature being 45 degrees Fahrenheit with plenty of wind and rain for the first few days, this is where it’s nice to have hobbies. When I was a kid, my mom used to pack puzzles and stuff in case the beach had inclement weather when staying at the coast. We also had plenty of arts and crafts to keep us busy as well. Now that I am a professional artist, most creative projects feel like “work” so I try to find hobbies besides watching TV and solitaire games. For those who know me well, they come to understand that sociology is a hobby for me in the same way that a lot of other old-white-men enjoy birding (bird watching). There are some nifty birds indeed, however the men are way more interesting.

When I arrived at the beach a few days ago, I started asking myself about how to take a more healthy approach to these apps, or if I needed to completely take a break from them. When it comes to addictive behaviors, at this point, it’s not getting in the way of responsibilities and causing significant trouble in my life, although at times my sexual activity has messed up my life. I’ve also had years of having no sexual activity with anybody and that also caused a lot of harm in my life. So, to avoid extremes, I try to find balance. It’s one of my obsessions as a Libra – we are often out of “balance” because we are too busy trying to find balance. That’s why this article is so darn long. I think about this stuff a lot, and perhaps too much. As a bonafide crazy person, I decided to always try to look deeply into situations where high functioning people act crazier than me.

Beach Bums and Status Dudes

One of the things I observed was some of my crazy behavior when it comes to browsing and chatting with men online, particularly when I’m at the beach. I’ve spent most of my life near the Pacific Ocean, and much of last year close to the Gulf of Mexico. I only got a few day trips to the Atlantic last year so this is a big treat for me. Here’s the funny thing: I decided to think of all the time I spent while staying at the beach online looking for some companionship and compared that to other places I’ve stayed. I basically never get “lucky” at the coast, although there’s been a few exceptions. It’s mostly married tourists who are basically off limits to me anyway, and too high minded or unavailable, whether he’s got a husband or a wife. The other guys that I find near the coast are such intense-status-people (I explain this more later) that they are waiting for certain traits or code-words in order to consider meeting. Those traits are: college age “twink” types, which I am not; and ten inch cocks, which I don’t have. Additional code-words and phrases include things like, “corporate conference”, “I’m here with friends”, and “my company is allowing me to work remotely”. These are status symbols, and believe it or not, they can attract “status people” about as much as mentioning stuff like having a yacht or owning a nice beach house with a pool. Living in an RV full-time has made me learn that there are obvious status symbols here as well: class “A” motorhomes, Airstream trailers, and the infamous toy haulers. They don’t even need to know my disability status to rank me as low status in society. I have enough characteristics and lack enough traits to make these beach bums filter me out. They’d rather be alone than to be with someone they consider worthless. Beach towns are also full of lonely low-ranking men who somehow can afford to live there. In my experience, they are also filter out any fellow “losers” for various reasons; probably because they believe that fucking a higher raking guy will increase their rank in society (actually, Bob Dylan and Jackson Pollock found this to be quite a boon). This may or may not be the case, but still, most losers would rather be alone than date another loser like themselves. I had a hot boyfriend who I’d bring to parties and it didn’t help my social life. It just got other guys to ask me if I could borrow him. (Turns out, they already were “borrowing” him anyway.)

As crazy as that shit is, I came to realize how some of my shit is also crazy, but in a different way. When it comes to these gay apps, I have found that I get more excited when I arrive at places like the beach, or locations with similar “high society” traits. The crazy thing about these places is that those have been the worst odds, and some of the worst experiences if I actually do get to meet with coastal people; or anywhere that’s overpopulated and with high status people. Please understand that it’s not essentially about economic status, although money does often follow social status and influence. It’s about powerful (typically older) men who have status symbols who are looking for a man to be another one of their status symbols which means he’s going to go after some kind of starving porn-star type kid, or another snob like himself. This is also why there are so many single gay men living in places like this, and they are miserable although surrounded by beautiful scenery. Basically, my brain is giving me pleasure in seeking pleasure whether I meet anyone or not. It’s the experience of gambling with these kinds of odds that make browsing and chatting with guys more exciting. It also makes vacationing more miserable, depressing, in addition to the fact that I am missing out on a lot of fun stuff and some lovely dolphin viewing.

Dopamine, Church, Monkeys, and Brainwaves

Science can be a cruel mistress. She can also help point to various problems. Faith can bring hope, and can be even more cruel, so I prefer science. A lot of religions make people believe that we are flawed and require some kind of alien thing to embody us in order to make us “good” people. The funny thing is, in my opinion, we are flawed! We have a tail bone and no tail! Men have nipples that can’t lactate (well, at least mine don’t produce any milk). Beside that, most of our evolutionary design flaws have to do with our brains. Evolution (if you believe in that silly theory) means that no living creature is created “from scratch”. We rather have to build additions to pre-existing components as we progress from animals to sentient beings. The best example I can think of this has to do with our central nervous system compared to our frontal lobe. We all have a tiny computer that resembles the basic functions of a lizard or a mouse. After we stopped hanging out in trees and hiding under rocks we developed additional components and if we are healthy, those components compliment each other when it comes to making sound decisions. We are just as much an animal as we are a human. Our brain unconsciously processes a perceived threat, for instance, being suddenly chased by an apex predator, and us running away from it could save our lives. In addition, if we find an unlimited supply of sweet and salty stuff somewhere, our human brain-parts will tell us that too much of that stuff can kill us if we don’t stop.

Because of these flaws, do we need to start hearing voices in order to tell us to make better choices? For some people, this might work; however for most of us, understanding simple brain functions can just be a beginning to find more practical solutions. If spiritual stuff is keeping you from harm, that’s cool; just remember that with any form of spirituality, there’s a chance of avoiding things that aren’t actually harmful, and vice versa. This can also lead to compartmentalization. I’m currently writing this article in a tavern in the American Deep South. There’s alcohol restrictions on Sundays in most counties, after all, it’s 1822 apparently. This kind of thinking starts to undermine people’s ability to practice sound reasoning with ideas like, “if I can’t buy my booze on our traditional church day, I guess it’s okay to get totally wasted the other six days a week”. Some of these men go so far to think of things like, “as long as I’m not having sex with women, I’m technically not cheating on my wife”. If we rely on others to tell us what’s right and wrong, they’d better be right; in addition to the fact that men might like to bend the rules. This creates a mix of traits that resemble the mentally ill, even among high functioning men.

There have been a lot of tests on people, primates, and rodents about various “reward” type situations. If an animal or person is smart enough to do a certain thing and get a certain bonus as a result of that behavior, overly-educated and overly-paid scientists in white coats measure brain waves and brain chemistry to see what’s going on in the unseen. I am not going to cite various tests and results. I just like to watch lectures by people like Dr. Robert Supulsky and try to find a consensus about these kinds of discoveries.

Let’s say that a monkey or an ape (in other words, a primate with or without a tail) is given a game where they do something (like pull a lever) and get something yummy. The primate pulls it ten times, waits a bit, and scores a treat. Just like the famous conditioning stuff you learned in your 1950’s PSY-101 class with the dog salivating at the buzzer, there’s more going on than just a physical reaction like that. Brains produce dopamine when it comes to things like eating and fucking in order that we like these things in order that we don’t starve to death or stop breeding. This valuable autonomic response is great for creatures who don’t have others telling them, “you better have kids or your species will go extinct”, and “you’d better get yourself a snack or you’ll die”. We have sentient-brain-additions and we also have to contend with old equipment that makes us stupid. Dopamine is great. I like to do things I like. I like food, sex, and Marvel movies. I also like to make sure I don’t have too many good things because a lot of good things can turn into bad things if we have a shitload of them.

When these smart people do these tests, they have found that the reactions of eating a treat are the same reactions of working toward getting the treat. Here’s where the crazy comes in: primates who were engaged in these “treat tests” had various attributes tweaked to find out more about why animals do crazy and stupid things. For instance, the ape pulls the lever ten times, waits, gets a treat, and then the next day doesn’t get the treat randomly 50% of the time. This makes the ape actually get more excited! More pleasure-looking brainwaves and more dopamine. They get rewarded 25% of the time, they actually enjoy it even more. Animals are stupid and crazy. So are we.

No Flakes, Please

Hey, daddy: I’m reading your profile and wondering if it’s been productive to mention on your dating profile “no flakes”? Also, if you’re so concerned with flakes, why didn’t you show up for coffee this morning? I think I have a nifty theory: based on your flawed brain chemistry, you technically already had the “date” the moment we agreed to meet at that cafe. You already experienced the same pleasure that you would have if we actually met, and fucked (although not necessarily fucking in the coffeehouse*). After men go out on several dates for decades of good and bad sexual experiences, we realize on some subconscious level that it’s generally disappointing.

Besides the pleasure of “the hunt”, and the pleasure of “the catch”, there’s a big characteristic that I have become more and more accustomed to over the years. In fact, if you get around me for at least thirty minutes, you’ll find that I am quite an ideologue (an old antisocial guy that insists on discussing one particular subject). It’s about the addiction of power. This isn’t so much a dating app issue as it is an issue with just about everything men do, although I see so much of this on these apps. The subject of Power in this context should be an additional article because it’s so extensive, especially when it comes to high functioning men to act crazy. But since I’ve picked on us guys for most of this article, I thought I’d pick on the ladies for a moment. In this case, I’m talking about a couple of female chimpanzees. There was a test where they had a low-ranking chimp and showed her where to find the banana. Enter the queen. When the higher ranking chimpanzee was introduced to the area, a remarkable thing happened: the lower ranking chimp began to exhibit traits as if she was the higher ranking ape! I suppose knowledge really is power. They didn’t even have to do anything with that banana. Just the fact that the loser chimp knew something important that she withheld, she could put her feet on the desk, sip her martini, and act like the boss. When it comes to dudes, I often wonder to myself, “there was no reason for him to lie about that”. Most lies are about ways a guy can take advantage of someone, steal, or deceive them; however some lies (or false impressions) serve no advantage to either party. Therefore, it can be empowering for someone to walk around thinking to themselves, “I know something that you don’t know”.

When brought into the bedroom, this ads another dimension to being an asshole, and these kinds of power gestures are all part of the general addictive and obsessive behaviors associated with cruising for sex. When it comes to sex and power, I notice that a lot of people (especially those who get bored of each other) like to fetishize situations that have to do with those in authority. I also notice that people (especially older men) like to pretend to be someone else when they are in bed. In addition to the occasional “role play” situation that involves someone greatly exaggerating who they are in real life, I have found that most men like to pretend to be the opposite of who they are not. Because of my sexual interests and the role that society has placed me in, by default I often end up with dates that have this ironic blend of traits: a “submissive” guy who ultimately has his way with me! (This should be another article.) The pathology is pathetic, and I wish that at least one of these guys would realize how crazy this is. I want equality in my relationships. I don’t want a man to pretend to be my slave only to please himself. It’s really tacky, even if he doesn’t call me “daddy” and wears diapers. It’s especially tacky if that guy happens to be my dad’s age.

In addition to cruising for sex, I also consider these infamous “hookup” apps as dating apps and in addition for also finding the occasional plutonic relationship. (Pluto: him and Mickey** weren’t fucking, he had Minnie for that, thus the “true” origin of the term “plutonic”, at least in my ignorant opinion. If you would rather use the term “platonic”, that works too. Plato: the old bearded guy you adore but don’t necessarily want to fuck.) I used to attend a lot of parties when I was in the Portland, Oregon area within a gay subculture we know as the “bears” (thus meaning, the old bearded guy we do indeed want to fuck). We’d play boardgames, smoke weed, and sometimes (reluctantly) watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. After attending several of these events over several years, I began to ask how we all got to know each other. The most common answer was, “I met him on Growlr”, or knowing someone who was at one time introduced to him on Growlr. These weren’t even sex parties (although sometimes I wish they were because Cards Against Humanity can really get old after a while) and ironically it was a “hookup” app that brought us all together. To make things even more funny, I have never had a long term gay relationship with someone that I didn’t meet through some kind of cyber assistance (phone dating, online dating, or mobile device application).

In addition to being obsessed with sex, power, and pleasure, let’s face it: a lot of us are just plain lonely. Living in a city of millions of people, in my experience, can be one of the most lonesome places in the world. Ironically, I spend more time with others in small towns, although I have very little in common with them. Also, in my experience, I have made more “non-sex” friends on dating apps and sites in urban areas than rural areas and vice versa. Humans are more like pack animals than a snow leopard. In fact, most of our brain wiring comes from millions of years of being dependent on living within some kind of tribal system. Therefore, the fear of being alone can simply be a result of evolutionary flaws that are no longer needed for our survival. At this time in my life, I get a check in the mail for food and basic needs which means I don’t require any human contact for my survival, although being alone ain’t no fun, at least it’s not literally killing me. A few hundred thousand years ago, in most environments, if you were banished from your tribe, you die. We still have those fears, and if meaningful companionship isn’t readily available, it’s very easy to sexualize those primal urges to play stupid card games with a bunch of queens.

What Is He Really Addicted To?

If you’re bored, feel free to jump over to my section later in this article about sexual relationships based on more than two people. There’s more insight into the pecking order vs. pecker order that I go more into detail about. I have been traveling full time for about three or four years now, so I get to experience a lot of things as an outsider and I have also gotten to be involved with a lot of stuff as a newcomer as the lowest ranking person. I get to see a lot of “crazy”. I also get to see things that others can’t see because they are caught up in a flow of energy and power that resembles drug addiction and religious cults, thus blocking them from being fully lucid. As we know, there are things in life that cause types of crazy that get followers as well as leaders to deny a lot of very obvious things. When there’s power-obsessed men leading a group, there’s going to be forms of craziness. When you add sex to a group led by power-obsessed men, the crazy dives down to epic proportions; and there’s a lot more hurt. (In addition to all that man-sex and power, add a bunch of magic and drugs on top of that; you’ll get the Radical Faeries!)

During my travels through the United States in recent months, I decided to view the crazy stuff that goes on with my dating apps as: what if these men were just sex addicts? Does that explain everything? At first, I thought, “yeah, whenever these guys are acting rude, unreasonable, and delusional, all this insanity can be explained away by just calling them sex addicts”. Then, I thought about it more. I thought, “nah, maybe they are not all just sex addicts, but rather dependent on something more than sex; for the simple fact that many of these guys apparently are not getting any action at all in several years”. What is driving them to do such nonsense? Why are they wasting their time and wasting the time of others in just being some kind of cyber-troll? If they are not getting any sex as a result of years on apps and websites for the purpose of having sex, what do they really want, and are they actually getting what they want?

I believe the core issue is power. They want to influence what people think, do, and say; and are willing to do anything they can get away with to accomplish this. Sex just might be an ingredient in this particular outlet of their need to own and overpower other people, especially women, and anyone they see as vulnerable. That’s where I come in handy. I don’t “look” like a vulnerable person, except to those who depend on using people like me. That’s why you’re reading this article, written by someone like me, and not from some stuffed-shirt influencer or a psych major (with a minor in human sexuality… snore). When a sex therapist attends a sex party, everyone will be on their best behavior, even if they don’t even realize how powerful their position is – leaders and followers within sexually-driven communities are accustomed at identifying powerful people whether they are recognized or not. [That’s for another article, however I must insist that power is easily identified, although mostly on a subconscious level.] When it comes to sexually-driven clubs, the LGBTQ Community has a lot of weaknesses for the fact that our groups are identified as a result of our particular sexual or gender expressions; and in addition, we tend to have more trauma than most heterosexual people. This causes a clusterfuck of sloppy energy, enables abuses of power, and when you have groups like this that are made up entirely of gay and bisexual men: it’s a wonder that we all just don’t kill each other. There’s a big reason why a lot of gay and bi men are in the closet and we can’t blame it all on the church.

Straight Guys and Gay Apps

Cruising apps, cruising sites, and bathhouses are ripe with sex addicts. Many of these men are totally heterosexual, and for various reasons, have settled with sex with other men. Some men unfortunately go this route because of forms of sexual abuse when they were younger, or mutual sexual activity with other males out of necessity, curiosity, boredom, or in this case, because they just want to overpower other men. Most heterosexual male sex addicts are notorious at how they treat women. After a while, unless they possess certain privileges, they lose their access to the female-kingdom, and for good reason. Their drive for gratification (and ultimately power) causes a lot of straight men to become addicted to gay apps among other vices. Some men prefer sex with women and for various reasons come to hate and resent women, thus leading them to be a monk, or a queer; unless they stop blaming and abusing women.

Some straight guys have a sort of “bottom kink” where for various reasons, they like the physical sensations of being fucked. This can also be true with older men who lose their ability to penetrate or ejaculate, or they can’t “penetrate AND ejaculate”. Therefore, they like to vicariously live out their desire to have a “full” sexual experience, even if they take a female role. There’s nothing essentially wrong with these things, as long as they are safe, and nobody is lying or cheating. Some straight guys are just plain curious. Sometimes it’s a matter of a husband who’s been experimenting with his wife for years with his “male g-spot” and wonders what it feels like to have a non-plastic dick up his backside. These things are easier for my generation and younger because of slow advances in popular culture when it comes to sexual freedom. At the same time, we need to be careful that these men are not exhibiting traits of addictive behavior. As fun as this stuff is, we must remember that we are getting pleasure with another person’s body, and whether they are enjoying it more or less than we are, we still must always consider that there could easily be other motivational factors that if not dealt with, can cause a lot of crazy and a lot of hurt. This is especially true with heterosexual men who were sexually abused as boys in this manner, and instead of finding true healing, they would rather live out their abuse in order to deal with any latent suppressed memories.

Depression and Value

Here’s another part of this article that you’ll find some better details if you skip ahead to the part where I talk about my 235 guys I chatted with, never met, and why weird stuff like that happens. In the meantime, since you’re a good boy, daddy is going to explain for you some of the psycho-babble that makes gay dating apps get guys really depressed. We are dudes. We are known for toting around a price-tag gun and enjoying the power of ranking everything and everyone around us. “Craftsman tools are great.” “Harbor Freight tools are crap.” Darn, that feels good to be a dude. Here’s the thing, guys: valuing others, valuing things, and how we value ourselves is a big thing in our lives. A lot of what we go through is being valued and devalued, and much of what we consider valuable about ourselves has to do with how much influence we have over others. Ask a dude his age and weight, it’s not much of a big deal.

I’d love to come up to a single woman and ask her how old she is and how much she weighs and to have her smile and proudly proclaim, “I am 53 years old and 274 pounds!” Unfortunately, our evolved postmodern society still treats women as objects to the point where it’s still a cultural taboo to ask women those questions, and how most women are taught to see themselves as losing their value as if they were objects. (Although if a big mama finds herself in a venue or an event that caters to others who are looking for a full-figured MILF [mother I’d like to fuck] I suppose that might be a different experience.) Likewise, based on my experience, men value their work; and how powerful they are in their work. There’s also dick-worth, but that’s for another part of the article. People are constantly asking me about what I do, or making assumptions; and thus treating me whether they think I am valuable enough to treat me fairly and with respect. This changes based on how recognized I am, my influence, and whether I am alone or not. Another fucked up thing about this is that if it’s so wrong to ask a woman about things that seem to pertain to her “value” to society, why is it okay for others to question and taunt men about their lack of power? Since I am alone, not a recognized member of the American Workforce, I don’t own land and other similar traits; I am the subject of a lot of socially acceptable forms of bullying, especially around other gay men.

When it comes to dating, the whole concept of being valued gets really ugly. There are some men on these apps who are hostile and bigoted to men who are out of work or living on some kind of support, whether they deserve it or not. I have been bullied online a lot based on things in my life that are beyond my control. I am basically being punished for my lack of privileges, and most of these are the same kinds of men who also claim to fight against things like racism. Like I mentioned earlier, I am staying at the beach this week, and this is a great place to get taunted, bullied, and looked down upon because of my “unrecognized” work situation. Most of the abuse I suffer is so subtle that nobody else can notice what’s going on but me. So, when I add to the equation trying to enjoy my time at the beach surrounded by snobs – I am getting even more of this devaluing energy coming from being dismissed by every man that I approach.

No matter how we try to mentally process and think about all this constant rejection on a conscious level, your brain will probably do the math; and often your value goes from a hundred to zero. If that’s not bad enough, your self-worth can very easily go from a hundred to far below zero, and I have a very nifty guy-type-example to illustrate this point: you are trying to sell a nice newer vehicle parked on the street in front of your house. After a while, you sell it, even though you might have wanted more for it. Let’s say you have a car you want to sell that barely runs, can’t pass inspection, leaks and you have to wait weeks to give it away – it’s worthless. [This is where things get real guys, so listen up!] Now you have another vehicle parked in front of your house. It doesn’t run, there’s no title, the tires are flat, and it’s a rusty old eyesore. Your neighbors complain, the HOA is threatening you, the authorities post notices on your front door and you are stuck with owning something that is beyond worthless: it’s a nuisance. Your first vehicle you get paid for. Your second vehicle you don’t get paid for, but this third vehicle; you have to pay to get rid of it. (Not even Public Broadcasting wants that old lemon for a tax deductible donation.) Have you ever been in a place in your life where you are so beyond worthless that other’s make a lot of effort to get rid of you? What if all the time, the money, and all the stress it takes people to get you to go away is a result of nothing that you have done wrong? When it comes to some outcomes of prolonged activity for some people, this can actually cause brainwashing to get someone to believe that they are beyond worthless. What is the result of feelings of worthlessness? It’s obvious: depression.

What if there’s something that makes someone believe that they are less than worthless? Beyond just being unwanted, there’s action taken to remove you for no justifiable reason which causes someone to believe they are “beyond” worthless. That could easily result in self harm leading to death for the simple fact that if the brain believes that other people are taking action to rid an environment of you, then that same brain will get you to believe that you need to rid the world of you, thus: suicide. In that context, these apps can actually be deadly. There are stories of people getting mugged and even killed because of meeting predators in private through these apps. I met a man recently who told me that he had invited a stranger to his hotel room he met online who had an accomplice that was planning to assault him and steal everything he had. Because of the sensitive nature of the incident, he never reported it to the police.

We all know how dangerous these gay apps can be, however there’s a hidden danger lurking that probably will not be apparent because of how these subtle influences can affect someone’s overall mental health. If you just turned 46 years old and chat with a man who mentions on his profile “nobody over 45” and suddenly blocks you as a result; that kind of influence, in itself, won’t kill you. If you get dismissed, blocked, stood up, harassed, and bullied by hundreds of men just because you’re being yourself; if you’re like most people (especially if you’re prone to depression and issues with low status and low self esteem) it will begin to creep up on you. No matter how much therapy, sativa, and positive self-talk you try to do in order to pep yourself up, your brain will probably drive you into some kind of self-destruct-mode. If you are going to suffer any kind of (temporary or permanent) harm or death as a result of the overuse of gay apps, your chances of self-harm could very well be more of a threat than being mugged, raped, or scammed, especially if you are already prone to forms of depression.

Tricks For Staying Safe and Getting Dates

Obviously, get tested regularly, even when not sexually active, it shows that you’re being responsible (or at least somewhat responsible). Chances are that if you have read this far in the article, and if you’ve spent enough time on gay apps, you know about PrEP and other ways to prevent HIV. [One thing I don’t hear a lot about is Hep-C, just a reminder.] I’m writing this during COVID and I am pretty moderate on the subject. I’ve dated guys who have had or never had the virus, guys who are unvaccinated, vaccinated, as well as COVID crazy and COVID deniers in addition. Since the Pandemic, I have taken way less risks, and I think it’s been an opportunity for a lot of men who hook up way too much to rethink our behavior. It’s also been a catalyst for the “dry-drunk”*** type sex addict, which can not only cause a bad case of the Blue Balls, it can drive men bonkers. This is another little reminder about how the brain experiences the same stuff in pursuing the goal as the goal itself; however if there’s only pursuing with no actual “scoring”, this can eventually cause some mental and emotional suffering.

One of my favorite tools I use is a little something called Google Voice. I’ve only met one other guy online that uses this (hooray for millennials) and it’s weird how many men are very willing to give out their personal or business mobile number out freely to a stranger. If you have a smartphone, chances are, you already have a Google account (including a Gmail address, and all that stuff). Just go to the Google Voice webpage, or better yet, get the free app, and get an anonymous working phone number from just about anywhere in your country (if applicable).

It’s so easy to get someone’s personal information from their phone number including their residence or work. Some criminals prey on wealthy, closeted older men to blackmail them or other fun things like that. I was partnered with an older man who I met on Growlr who’s “handle” (user-name, screen-name) was his literal first and last name! (At least he didn’t post his middle name, date of birth, passwords, bank cards, and Social Security Number). Part of our relationship was me trying to clean up messes he made because of him giving out too much of his personal information. Hiding your distance (most GPS enabled apps have that option) might help although it limits your involvement because you might get mistaken as a scammer, or a creepy-stalker-guy. This is only an issue when you happen to be within a hundred feet of someone that you don’t want to talk to, and if you have a clear face picture. That has never happened to me (not yet, at least).

Remember, if you post or send pictures of your junk in addition to pictures of your face, there’s no “backsies”. Just ask a guy named Anthony Weiner. Even if you are not just sending full frontal nudity, you’re still at risk for all kinds of problems that might arise from this if your face is clearly seen among pictures of your naughty bits. It’s also a gauge for identifying control freaks, picture collectors, closet-voyeurs, size queens, and other assholes that demand x-rated pictures. Even mentioning it more than once in your profile isn’t enough for most of these men. College boys, senior citizens, and every other age group have taunted me in several ways to try to get me to do this and I refuse. They often tell me to trust them. Yes, a total stranger on a creepy hookup app disrespects my simple boundaries and still wants me to trust him. That kind of crazy all makes sense when you consider all the pathology behind cruising for sex, especially online. Sites like DoubleList are so inundated with men who have absurd demands it’s tough to decide whether to be disgusted or amused. (Like my zoo neighbor.) Often, the problem is simply that he’s asking most of the questions without even showing his face. It’s tacky enough for someone to stop you on the sidewalk questioning you about your private life (for instance, a street evangelist) but it’s even more ridiculous when he’s wearing a paper bag over his head. That’s another trick I use. I simply don’t answer any more questions until I get an equal amount of information from him. I also begin with exchanging information that sounds more like two people meeting and wondering if they’d be good friends or not. Why should I start a conversation about intimate traits about my sex life when I don’t even know if we’d get along?

Obvious, but not so obvious tricks are about meeting in safe, public areas; not hotel rooms, dark parking lots, and especially a private residence without at least talking on the phone beforehand. I’ve had guys get angry at me when I say stuff like, “I refuse to take unnecessary risks”, as if I am being overly paranoid. If a man gets mad at your need for safety and setting reasonable boundaries, that’s an immediate reason to dismiss him. It can also be grounds to block or report someone, however I found that to be a waste of time unless I feel threatened or harassed. If there’s a well known figure in a small town who’s concerned about meeting at the country tavern, I try to find a creative compromise to keep him safe as well as me. Another thing I try to do is if he’s in a relationship, I make sure I know that I am not enabling a dishonest situation, especially if I am put in a position where I am expected to lie to others. Unless I live under an Islamic regime, I don’t find lying necessary to maintain a friendship or to have good sex.

Here’s the funniest trick about meeting guys on dating apps: post pictures of you taken while you were previously in love. Seriously, it’s really tacky, and it really works; just as long as you post pictures of you by yourself. If you have portraits (or even selfies) of you alone during a recent relationship, your face will show micro-expressions (or even a certain “vibe”, if you believe in that sort of thing) that you are not only valuable, you are lovable and fuck-able. This is as sad as it is funny, and the principle works. Nobody wants someone that nobody wants even though that’s the case with most single people (exceptions are based more on losses of loved ones due to death and other misfortunate events). To make things even more depressing, this really only works for those of us who are recently single, or those of us who have somehow managed to not show any signs of aging since the breakup. 

False Intimacy and Other Cheesy Things to Say

That’s a cheesy term I learned from bible-people, and at the same time, I think there’s some healthy psychology behind that. Antisocial and volatile men get lonely, for obvious reasons. When guys like that get old enough, they start to believe that they’ll never have friends and at the same time they can’t stand being alone; so they settle for something in between. It’s similar to the suicidal person who for various reasons won’t kill themselves so they resort to subtle forms of self harm. That’s another explanation for the “flakey” guys that don’t show up for the coffee date.

About five or ten years ago, I had a breakup or something that got me back into getting on Growlr, which is a popular app in the Pacific Northwest where I’ve spent most of my life. I spent weeks chatting with guys around the greater Portland area (and maybe a handful within the region or beyond) and wasn’t getting anywhere. I decided to count the number of guys that I had interacted with, whether I initiated the conversation or not. Within just a few months, I counted 235 men. Not a single date. Back then, I didn’t have as many explanations as I do now. I suppose I thought there was something horribly wrong with me; after all, I was very depressed and that perspective tainted my reality. Looking back, I believe a lot of that (in addition to the pathology issues I mention throughout this article) is something I call “status people”. Urban coastal communities are typically populated with influential types (not necessarily rich) or white-collar workers who can’t associate with those they feel are somehow “below” them, unless there are various exceptions. I got texts from a teacher in a college town who only wanted me when he was drunk at 3AM. No thanks, professor. Sometimes I find that I’m at the bottom of their list and learn that they are just too horny to maintain their so-called “standards”.

I am in a great position to experiment on these beloved “classists” because I exhibit traits at the top and the bottom of society and interact with high and low class frequently because I am a product of educated culture while on disability (and not a socialite). I am as much vulnerable as I am resourceful, which is another clusterfuck of contradictory characteristics that put a strain on my social life and love life. It makes it nearly impossible to date men close to my age because men have to put their peers in a pecking order in order to be close to them; and my life is way too much of an anomaly. I have no problem dating other outcasts however most single men who have been banished by society have been that way because most of them are users and abusers of substances, people, or both.

I don’t like being single, especially now, being the week before Valentine’s Day, trying to enjoy my vacation at the beach, and not having anyone to share my epic nomadic rockstar life with. I also don’t like being used. Especially by “submissive” guys. Therefore, I have to find healthy and creative ways to cope. I wish they made a sex doll that looks like Sebastian Cabot. I like him. He was my kind of sexy (and that’s not the first time I say something like that in this article, so please forgive me if that grosses you out). But, they don’t manufacture a Sebastian Sex Doll**** so I have to settle with whatever I can, as long as it, or he, isn’t harmful.

This is where dating apps can be very counterproductive to my mental health, especially when it comes to depression. Winters can be tough, especially for single people living with forms of depression (like Seasonal Affective Disorder) and Hallmark dingbats that insist on celebrating “love” in the middle of February! That’s the worst time of year that single people need to be reminded of our singleness. Christmas wasn’t depressing enough while single? Then you have those other dingbats that say stupid, magical, bullshit to sad single people stuff like this: “keep waiting until the time is right… when you stop looking, you’ll find love… you just need more self-help…” Barf. There’s a lot of truth to those statements, I just wish that happy married people would stop treating single people like that. In addition, there’s a sort of “single-stigma” that doesn’t get any easier the older you get. No matter what kind of asshole I am partnered to, I find that overall, I get treated better by everyone during our relationship. I’m nearly as not bullied, picked on, falsely accused, treated unfairly, and given a lot more respect just for the simple fact that I’ve got another human being that I sleep with regularly.*****

Swingers, Triads, and Moonies, Oh My!

It’s 2022 and polyamory is still a thing. (No, not the Hayley Mills character******.) In its essence, I’m not necessarily opposed to the concept, as long as nobody gets hurt. There are people with high sex drives, there are people who identify as “pansexual”, “omnisexual”, or “sex-positive”, and they have made the negative stereotype of what old fashioned people like to call a “sex maniac” into something that can be more tolerated. These titles especially work if you have a lot of friends that think you’re super cool. If not, you might just be a regular creepy pervert or slut. That’s cool, as long as nobody gets hurt. Whatever you call it, there are folks who are happy and fulfilled with one sexual partner, some are happy and fulfilled with two or three, and some have six thousand. (Look online for articles about the mass weddings performed by the Unification Church, otherwise known as “Moonies”.)

In my experience, especially based on my vantage point of being close to or at the bottom of social pecking orders, lower ranking people get hurt. That’s why we hear a lot of good things about poly relationships because chances are, if it is big enough to catch your attention, it’s probably being said from an influencer, and it will be from their vantage point. I recently met a guy my age who had just gotten out of a short-lived triad relationship. He drove a long way to a gay campground to loathe and get super drunk. I myself was not ever in a long term, or cohabitation type polyamorous relationship however, I was at one time meeting weekly with a couple of men for dinner, weed, and fucking. It was such a mess I don’t want to go into detail about the hurt and all the denial. I will say that there were a couple of main themes that I learned from the experience. Firstly, unmet needs; and secondly, an obsession for more power.

Sometimes, especially among gay men, you’ll have a couple that both prefer the “top bunk” or those who both happen to prefer the “bottom bunk”. Sometimes these roles can change over the years with personal interests, or especially changes in health. When it comes to swinger type friendships, sometimes a spouse has either a trace of bisexuality that they want to explore, or various kinks like cuckold, double penetration, or other sexual activities that require more than two people. With generations like Baby Boomers in particular, they might have a loving long term heterosexual relationship where one or both of them have a very significant amount of homosexual interest but their early life and community just didn’t allow same-sex-love so they settled for each other and want to stay together.

That’s why when it comes to extramarital sex, there are times when it’s actually quite helpful and it can be done (and I have no shame in repeating myself a third time) as long as nobody gets hurt! I’ve hung out at a lot of nudist clubs and some of them have secret swinger groups that I didn’t participate in. I never did get to go to any nudist clubs that were the “adults only” although out of curiosity, I tried. From what I understand, there are a lot of power hungry people, particularly men. I have though, been to a handful of nudist groups that were male focused, whether they were sex clubs or not, and I saw the same pecking order as I do in a lot of dysfunctional communities; however in this context I can say frankly that these groups don’t necessarily have a “pecking order” but rather a Pecker Order. After all these years of evolution, it has become obvious to me that big dicks rule. Size doesn’t “matter”? Size rules! It’s not just about giving someone a good time (for the simple fact that huge dicks can be quite unpleasant for a lot of men and women) it’s that these overly-hung men believe they are entitled to own people. Not only that, these men are (at least in my experience) total dicks, and they can get away with just about anything. If you see an asshole at a party, ego tripping, pissing people off, and somehow remaining friends and maintaining a lot of influence; try to catch him at a nude party and you’ll see why. If he doesn’t have a ginormous cock, it might be that he has a ginormous bank account, or some kind of celebrity status or influential position. In my experience, these exceptions are rare. In this context, we resemble certain kinds of animals whose males like to show off their equipment, even if it’s just a fiddler crab.

Did I Mention Enough About Stupidity Yet?

Being stupid can kill you. Being stupid can also be funny. Talking to stupid people can make you angry. It can also make you laugh. Besides going to a casino, or attending a Grateful Dead tribute, I think that the best place to find stupidity is on an app called Grindr. Secondly, Adam 4 Adam guys have their own form of stupidity, especially the scammers. I love to tell these guys with these beautiful pictures of beautiful men how ugly they are. I’ve done this so many times that my auto-suggest has the first word after I write “you’re” to be the word, “ugly”. Whether I’m talking to some middle aged criminal in Ghana or just a cyber bot program collecting information, it’s fun to get the various reactions when I say they’re ugly. I have several screenshots of these I’d like to publish with my multiple hundreds of screenshots of mostly actual profiles of mostly actual conversations with some of the stupidest men on earth. Not only that, not all of them are in Florida. Some of them are in South Dakota.

One of my favorite stupid things (besides the epic “straight acting” phrase that is still being used in 2022) are old men who’s profiles are made up mostly of ranting about how scammers and fakes are not allowed to contact them. In the meantime, I must remind you that I am really enjoying writing over twelve thousand words of depressing material while on vacation. Seriously, this is my hobby. I am an artist by trade, and a sociologist for pleasure, not the other way around. Also, Frank Zappa considered himself a bit of an amateur sociologist; in particular, the study of stupidity, especially in contemporary western society, and how pop culture and counterculture are just two kinds of stupid. Gay culture and straight men have their own kinds of stupid, but being a bonafide cocksucker myself I feel like I get to say things about gays that straight guys shouldn’t (except Mr. Zappa and on occasion, Dimitri Martin, but Zappa is totally cool with me by abusing the term “cocksucker” for the simple fact that he earned it, thus my Stage-Name-Namesake) just like People of Color get to use the “N Word” (except John Grant when he wrote the lyrics to Jesus Hates Faggots because he’s one of the few gay artist survivor types that I consider to be “underrated” although his agent is a snob however not snobby enough to censor his music when it gets politically incorrect).

If there’s one thing that I personally have a tough time excusing myself of when it comes to being really uncool, it’s the fact that I have some hilarious troll accounts that I’ve used for over a year. It started out in late 2020 when I was really trying to think outside of the box when it came to having a media breakthrough, which is essential to most creative careers, especially for independent artists. I learned that reality television is way more of a powerful tool than marketing and social media (which I had spent five figures throughout that year). I auditioned for a particular project regarding fake online dating profiles and got considered for a part, but couldn’t get anyone else involved. I also scrapped the idea because I realized that Big Media would find a way to keep burying me and not worth the effort, in addition to the potential harm and the obvious fact that the whole thing was based on deceiving others. I did decide to leave my fake identity up on one particular app, and also use him to sneak into exclusive virtual meetings.

This has been a surreal couple of years for just about everyone, and I am not without awe in the mass stupidity and delusions from the American Right Wing in addition to the not-so-obvious insanity coming from the American Left Wing. Chatting with Biden and Trump supporters was a trip during the 2020 election. The weirdest thing was all the cranky liberals stuck around rednecks who actually ended up spewing out more hatred than the supposed “haters”. As amusing as all this nonsense is, I do find men fascinating, as much as we are funny. Speaking of dog parks, watching men act reminds me of dogs. Men are beautiful. Men are lovable, cute, adorable, and just darn amazing in so many ways (especially the ones with fur and whiskers). [Was I talking about dog parks, or was that you? I haven’t mentioned dog parks since thousands of words ago.]

Personally, I have a weakness to creeps like Burl Ives, who I find to be so charming. That’s my kind of sexy (are you grossed out yet?). Wouldn’t it be funny to make a troll account like that? So, I thought I’d create a version of myself that’s a lot older and fatter, has a smaller dick, way less money, and even more of an asshole than I am. I have found that all kinds of guys prefer a cranky old Trumpie born in the 40’s rather than the real me. When auditioning for this particular reality show with this particular network, I was told that the fake profile was never a fat old man, but always the opposite. That’s probably why nobody has figured me out. One guy over a year ago (at the beach, go figure) went so far to say that me, Jason, was the “faker” to the fake profile (whom I affectionately refer to as “Fake Grandpa”). That reminds me of art, entertainment, and a lot of stuff that most people are so stupid that they prefer something fake over something that’s original, skilled, inspired, and relevant.

The Big Cosmic Answer?

What about these cranky grandpas that don’t “allow” scammers? You guessed it, they are the most gullible. They are not only extremely naive, they’re basically making themselves more of a target by writing such stupidity. Walk alone in Central Park in the middle of the night screaming out, “I’m tired of being mugged all the time! I’m tired of having all my cash and valuables stolen, so y’all better stay away because I am telling you to”, and meanwhile he’s just waving an umbrella under a streetlamp. That’s the stupidity-equivalent of the “no scammers and fakes” statements on dating app profiles. Here’s the (obviously) sad part of this. Your sweet old gay uncle with no friends retires and gives most of his extra money away to either cute young men, or those who he thinks are cute young men. Fake Grandpa has also taught me a lot about senior abuse in the last year. I thought that two years with Yogi Bear (my ex) taught me about how vulnerable men are who are over 65 years of age, but it’s worse than I thought. When Fake Grandpa (my troll account) talks to real grandpas about scammers, it’s as sad as it is funny that they fall for it every time, and even give me their phone numbers. The other thing about Fake Grandpa is that he gets targeted more than the real me, and the scammers seem more aggressive and persistent with a guy born in the 40’s than me who’s born in the 70’s.

Occasionally someone will talk about me, Jason (Fake Zappa) to Fake Grandpa. It’s weird how people think the real me is someone else and the fake me is really me. Is this a product of thinking habits based on obsessions, addictions, and delusions? There’s always a reason for people that act crazy whether we are technically mentally ill or not. There’s always an explanation for stupidity. We simply cannot just label someone as “stupid” or “crazy” and leave it there. This is my hobby.

Speaking of crazy old men with weird hobbies (and speaking about crazy old beach bums) there are those guys that still march slowly all day with metal detectors on the sand and waste their time on bottle caps from Japan. But then again, I must admit, their hobby has better chances of being lucrative than most loser-type-hobbies (like sociology). You can find a lost wedding ring and get on television and get kinda famous. I think that’s actually happened*******. Maybe I should get one of those miserable electronic things that make those horrible sounding noises? I already spend a lot of time on my art, my recovery, and my hobbies concerning why sane people act so insane. Maybe if I look far enough (like these Sand People looking for loose change at public beaches) and dig deep enough (like these Sand People looking for loose change at public beaches) I can find some treasure, while doing something I enjoy at the same time********. Maybe all this poking at all these men has given me the opportunity to find the Big Cosmic Answer? Perhaps that will be more lucrative than selling my recordings?

Therefore, when it comes to guys like me that don’t get much attention when it comes to gay dating apps, it’s probably that we are assholes, or that we are ranked low in status. Chances are, if you’re not getting laid (unless he’s getting paid) with a dude that’s not a complete moron, you’re just another creep that lost his status in society for being a total douchebag. I’d like to think of myself as someone who’s lost status in society because apparently I am “milking” the government for their monthly cheddar and most people think there’s something immoral about that whether I actually suffer or not. So, perhaps by the time I actually post this 12K+ word monstrosity of pseudo-psycho-babble, I’ll have a nice beach-town property with a pool, a bunch of cool friends (and a millennial non-binary pansexual publicist) and a career that stupid people can actually undeniably recognize as a bonafide member of the Great American Workforce; I’d have a chance at dating a non-stupid, non-creep? But then again, if a “quality” man is willing to wait until I have all that shit, why would I want a status-guy like that anyway? That’s why I am not petitioning for my readers to advocate for me getting a decent date. I’d rather you petition the worldwide makers of silicon dolls to consider manufacturing a lifelike version of the sexiest chubby butler ever portrayed on American Television.

Thank you for yer support,

Jason T. Ingram

AKA, Fake Zappa

AKA, Fake Grandpa

(If you want a link to one of my secret websites about crazy obsessions about dudes collecting penile pictures, please contact me and ask!)

Footnotes:

*I don’t remember if I’ve ever fucked in a coffeehouse, however I can’t say for sure so I’m leaving that open for interpretation.

**Mickey Mouse and Pluto may have been fucking each other, and it could have had nothing to do with whether Minnie Mouse was sexually available or satisfying him. There’s also the fact that Mickey had the personality profile that made him cater to being the “bottom bunk” which may have been something that Pluto could have provided for him. I’ve always preferred the term “plutonic” over “platonic” because it sounds nicer and reminds me of the deep friendship between dog and mouse. If there was anything sexual between Mickey and his dog, just keep in mind that (in my expert opinion) it’s not technically considered “bestiality” if there are no humans involved.

***If you’re wondering what a “dry drunk” is, just ask a guy in recovery. If you want to find an easy way to meet an AA Dude, just browse a dozen or two profiles of older men and you’re bound to see hints in their profiles about being a Friend of Bill W, hashtag-sober, or “let’s meet over an O’Doul’s”. Just keep in mind that if he’s managed to deal with an addiction to one particular substance, it doesn’t mean there’s no other abuse and addictions in his life.

****Actually, they do make a thousand-dollar sex doll named “Sebastian”. It is (or some creeps might refer to “it” as “him”) super creepy looking and I wouldn’t have sex with an actual human kid that looks like the Sebastian Sex Doll just like I wouldn’t fuck the Sebastian Sex Doll either. But if they make a stumpy, short, portly, hairy, rotund doll that looks exactly like Sebastian CABOT, I just might get one of those. It would be also a boon if they gave him a stumpy, short, portly, little boner as well that I could sit on when I feel like it. I’d name him “Mr. Giles French 2.0” and I’d tell people that he’s just part of my little Family Affair. After all, he was a servant. At least this kind of a “submissive” guy wouldn’t be a passive-aggressive abuser who’s constantly undermining my personal power.

*****I must also ad that although when I’m in a long term relationship it’s weird that I find that outside our relationship that I don’t feel like I am as bullied, picked on, falsely accused, treated unfairly, and given a lot more respect; I forgot to add that at home I was bullied, picked on, falsely accused, treated unfairly, and given a lot less respect compared to those outside of our lovely little home.

******For all you youngsters who download bit-torrents, please be warned that the flick named “Pollyanna” is not about polyamory and is probably not a porno. There are a few porn-stars with similar names, so you might get lucky. Otherwise, it’s a good reminder not to be “an excessively or blindly optimistic person”. Pollyanna Syndrome can also be an explanation for a lot of stupidity when it comes to gay app use (at least for me, it explains a lot of my personal stupidity).

******* **** and ******* ***For those of you on A4A, you’ll understand what that means.

********Tusken Raiders are Sand People from another planet that’s known for mean bartenders and tattooing.

*******Actually, there are a lot of these losers that got fame and fortune in this context. Try doing a Google Search for: “old man found wedding ring on beach with metal detector” and just look at all the amazing stories! These guys are in fact the very pillars of society. From coast to coast, they blaze the seashores spending countless hours tripping over lazy bikini-wearing beach bums while doing important work for America, and a valuable service to the nations of the world. Let’s take a moment to honor the finest creepy guys across the globe: the lone treasure hunters. God bless them. Now, where are my fucking car keys I dropped this morning?