Melody Maker interview for “Santa Got A Boner”
(The following is an unedited transcript from an unpublished Zoom interview recorded November, 2023)
MM
What made you come up with the concept of ‘Santa Got A Boner’?
FZ
For those who know me well, especially those familiar with my dating history, would know how I admire fat old men, and it’s no secret, to the point of poking fun at myself at my unusual interests.
MM
That’s gross, however, I suppose it’s good for comic material.
FZ
I thought you were supposed to ask questions. What’s the deal with y’all anyway? Haven’t you published anything in the last twenty years? Is ‘rock journalism’ really reached another epic low?
MM
We’re supposed to ask the questions, you cheeky bloke. So where were we?
FZ
Discussing my Santa fetish.
MM
Indeed, thank you. Yes, anyway, we are curious about what you are trying to convey in this recording.
FZ
Can you rephrase that as a question?
MM
No, we just want your reply.
FZ
It is comedy. You’re supposed to laugh at it. Did you find it funny?
MM
We’re supposed to ask the questions.
FZ
I’ll rephrase that as a non question. I’m curious if you guys laughed at my album. In addition, I’m curious if y’all even listened to the album.
MM
Who else played on the album?
FZ
I suppose that’s a ‘no’, or you simply cannot admit that you actually listened to the entire 27 minutes. But in all fairness, I admire anyone who could endure the material. It’s bound to offend everyone, whether you like or hate Christmas, right wing, or left.
MM
You never answered the question.
FZ
I guess it’s no use asking you to rephrase that as another question, but that’s cool, I’ll try to enlighten you. It’s kind of a sore subject, but hey, I did allow others to contribute to the project, but I nobody wants to sing about the sex life of Father Christmas, nor the plague, nor be a part of something that exposes the American failed healthcare system and failed prison system, in addition to aging, obesity, addiction, gay sex, abuse, suicide, and a quite obvious anti religions subtext.
MM
I’d say that this could be the worst Christmas album of all time, but in all fairness, it’s safe to say that Santa Got A Boner is the worst Christmas album of 2023.
FZ
That’s fair enough. But then again, who are you guys anyway? Melody Faker magazine?
MM
Tell me about this ‘Selfish Elfish Christmas Chorus’.
FZ
The Real Frank Zappa used verispeed techniques on some of his records, often to emulate character voices, like on We’re Only In It For the Money, but I just thought the music wasn’t annoying enough. Let’s just say that I employed the services of any available elves from the North Pole who wanted to escape the cold weather for a few weeks in November to bask in the Sonoran Desert sunshine. (It got into the 90s here.) That’s basically all they did, but I gave them credit anyway. Turns out that I ended up with the ‘bad elves’ who were not up to quota and in addition, holding back production, thus it seemed like it was in everyone’s best interests considering it was so close to Cyber Monday.
MM
Were you actually making a protest album?
FZ
My main purpose was to just gain more visibility for more of what I consider my sophisticated stuff. The political undertones are just a side effect of my creative expression.
MM
We can’t imagine you doing anything sophisticated. You’re disgusting.
FZ
That was a vocational tactic that I believe Mr. Zappa used to pursue his real dream as a composer. His comic material was also a vehicle to express his social justice interests.
MM
Doesn’t that seem like an unethical sport of ‘bait and switch’ method?
FZ
Yeah, totally. It’s deplorable.
https://youtu.be/werNr9V1jdA?si=LLB-z3Eo4eYG7ddT
MM
What about Baby Santa? What’s the overall message?
FZ
I don’t remember. I did that one over two years ago. I will say that Santa Bear was done well over a decade ago and I know exactly what it means, although listeners didn’t get the gay reference of sitting on Santa’s lap at his house. I will also say that it was a bit prophetic.
MM
Please, we don’t need those details, you have already provided too much information. I’m still trying to get those images of an erect St. Nick out of my mind. Once someone sees your album cover, they cannot ‘unsee’ it, but once they hear that hideous title track that opens the album, it further gets embedded into their psyche. I really think you owe the world an apology.
FZ
Was that another question?
MM
We’re waiting.
FZ
I suppose my Letters To Santa are some kind of homage to Simon and Garfunkel singing Silent Night to the 6:00 news, but with a humorous twist. And a kazoo, which I need to do more of if I’m going to continue to pay tribute to not only the life and work of Frank Zappa, but specifically his early recordings. Touching on his later life, his early death was not the typical rockstar ending with the stereotypes of drug overdoses, drunk drivers, plane crashes, and street fights. The American Healthcare System killed him.
MM
Why are you still talking? You realize we’re not going to publish this article anyway? We don’t print rubbish like this, especially in the United Kingdom.
FZ
I was unable to get a hold of a trombone so I decided to use loops I found on my DAW (digital audio workstation). I had to lift a lot of trombone sounds off of various YouTube videos because I mostly wanted ascending glissando clips because they sounded erotic and somehow ‘musically erectile’.
MM
I’m not a big fan of Christmas, but is it necessary to be this obscene?
FZ
In addition to the samples of the brass, I had digital sleigh bells with a lot of time saving efforts. I’d rather spend more time on what I consider my sophisticated stuff, but then again, I get the impression you didn’t even last over a few minutes of my Santa album, so I think it’s safe to assume that you haven’t considered my classical compositions. That’s cool. Most people associate Frank Zappa with Valley Girls, and Catholic Girls, and other songs like that. They also, for the most part, think he only had two kids. I feel kinda sorry for Ahmat and Diva. Apparently, they don’t seem to exist. Just like his symphonic music. Forgotten by most people. I think part of that has to do with an ironic term that some call, ‘rock journalism’.
I will say that I love and hate Christmas. You’ll find other media of mine, even in recent years that pays some respect to this bizarre yearly tradition, and some things, like this recording, that make a mockery out of it.
By the way, on Christmas of 1979, I never did get those Yogi Bear Shrinky Dinks from Santa Claus. I’m assuming they didn’t have those. That’s cool. ‘Santa, I know him.’ -Buddy the Elf
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The Real Fake Zappa 
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